Looking through Tanz's mum's funeral photos today take me back to the day we fare-welled dad. Almost as real today as it was on that day. Even to his final moments. I realise I did not document them. Maybe some part of me is afraid that writing them down will mean I forget or somehow lose these fragments of what ever I hold on to, can remember.
Playing them over and over in my head sometimes worrying that I might forget, that I'll get some part of it wrong. Somehow its becoming sketchy. Some portions of it I try to think back and draw up blanks. If only I could hear his voice one more time. If only I could see him one my time. If only I could touch his hand again. It must be so hard for mum, 46years of her life completely dedicated to this man and then one day he's gone
Didn't help watching that Paul Walker final tribute took me right back to those raw feelings of absolute total finality. I don't know if I was crying because Paul Walker was dead or that those were the emotions I experienced losing dad or the realisation that there was going to be no more dad. For as long as I live and if the rapture was to take place when i am forty then that is another 8-10years of my life without dad in it. Then the realisation that I mum is getting old too. Mum is slowing down. She is tiring out. She is not the same as she was 3years ago. Is slowing becoming snappy. Is getting tired easily. Is becoming forgetful and....I could lose her also.
We went to the graveyard in the weekend. Heartbreaking to think that whatever's left is only that piece of land inside of which you wonder how far along is the decaying process? What must his body look like inside of there? Where is he now. And for months maybe 1 and 1/2years I've been wondering where is dad? Is he alive and with Jesus or is he sleeping? Did he really make it to heaven? What if he didn't. it wasn't until the Easter preaching then I realised Jesus said to the thief hanging beside him. 'Today, you will be with me in Paradise' Today- meaning I can look up to the sky now and find that assurance that he is looking down at me. He is up there with God and Jesus and smiling down, cheering me on. And that is what I tell Jaydon and boy were the questions coming that Easter week when we lost Duffy. If Jesus died and rose again then when will Jesus bring pa back? When we gonna see pa? How God called pa? well we found duffy, thank God and that was a testimony of its own. I mean praying for a dog. A dog collected and taken to the dog pound to be put to sleep but for some reason was not- man that intervention. The same day that was to happen, I remember praying Lord bring her back or bring us some closure for the sake of this 5year old. he has already known loss through loss of his grandpa and a cousin who was buried out at sea and two dogs who had to be put to sleep. So much loss for a 5year old. From the dog pound she ran away but we do not know where she has been. Maybe the guy at the pound who says he wanted to keep her but she ran away really did try to keep her and she ran away from his place. All we know is she did not come back from the direction of the pound and she looked well kept and that was only God sending some angel to help her escape from wherever she was being kept.
Going back to daddy's final moments, maybe I'll leave that for another day!
