start the week

babysitter didn't come this Morning. at half 7 told Jitoko for him to take the lead and I would follow then called Mum. Jaydon to go down to nadi to her and aunty lome. so we got off at junction to nasoso walked to office. strolled to airport. he loved it. looking at the plane. walking past. wanting to see where it would go or what do next. Great way to starty day albeit the missing babysitter and the $10 taxi to kataram estate.

Two and half months

Missing you alot today. Two and a half months already. Where as the time gone. It sure has gone real fast thats for sure. It just feels like he's away somewhere gone on holiday except he is never coming back. Never gonna see him or hear him. It must be real hard for Mum. I really do wish Jitoko gets his refund so we can atleast treat Mum. She shared that day about how it feels like half of her has just pulled out of her and gone. Gosh what a dreadful feeling.

Joshua & Nia Haircut‏

Jaydon went to the barber on Saturday, the barber asked him what haircut he wanted. 

He goes one Joshua & Nia. The barber sides Jitoko, bro what haircut is that? 

Jitoko goes oh mohawk, mohawk.

Barber: ok Jaydon, one Joshua & Nia coming up.

He comes running home to tell me that he and Josh and Nia. 

Don't want to

Mr 4 just threw a fit during connect meeting. crying nagging cos he didn't want to pray or read bible or go church. managed to calm him down when he said I don't want to pray or read the bible or talk to Jesus. I asked why if it was because Jesus took pa he said yes. I had to tell him Jesus took pa because pa was sick he said no I don't want to talk to Jesus

That Evening

5pm I got home and I could see that Mum had been crying. A moment of mix emotions to be mad at her for overreacting over dad or to be mad at dad for making her cry with his ways so I just sucked in my breath and asked her what happened. she said daddy had not eaten anything all day. I went straight to his room to ask him what was going on. He just sat there staring at the tv. I felt if I sat there long enough he would talk but he didn't so I angrily walked out and into our room. I sat.down on the floor and started weeping. all evening all I did was weep and pray pray and weep. the entire time I had the Geoff Moore Steven Curtis.chapmam listen to my heart playing. there really were no words to express what or why I was weeping but when I look back now I can see that my spirit knew. other things that I remember checking daddy's sugar it was normal but the blood pressure machine could not get a reading no matter how many times we tried. Calling every single doctor in the yellow pages for lautoka. nobody makes house calls. the dogs howling all night long. At one point Sean and I were at the dining table looking through the directory when I.said to him Sean the dogs are howling. we were both scared. blending peaches for Sean to feed daddy. I am sitting on the bus right now. the waterworks have started. nobody ever tells you that feeling never goes away. that feeling of full complete utter loss. like you Will always have that void that gap that absolute loss. Yes he is in heaven. Yes he is with Jesus. Yes he is no longer in pain. but he is not here. not with us. never coming back again and there's absolutely nothing we can do to fix it. tomorrow is two months and also mummy's birthday. how are we going to get through this?